I will now be known as S.J. Cobblepot

I guess it’s time for a pregnancy update.

29 weeks and I’m now waddling most places. This has prompted many penguin jokes from Matt and my dad. I have been called Pingu and told to look out for Batman.

I don’t know how long I’m going to accept these jokes light heartedly, but I’d like to hope that I’ll still be finding them funny right up to the last contraction.

Let’s be honest, it’s more likely that I’m going to be swearing, in pain and putting claw marks in Matt’s deep enough you’ll be able to see the indentations on the other side. By that point I imagine he would be thinking twice about making jokes about me needing a forklift to help me up.

Oh yeah.

This cheeky shit asked me the other day as I was pulling myself up out of his car (because his dumbass thought it would be a good idea to get a lowered car) if I would like a forklift or a crane to help me out.

He came back to me later that afternoon and said he forgot about cherry pickers being an option.

Fucker.

We got into a mild disagreement that resulted in us realising we’ve been play chore chicken for weeks. When I apologised for not pulling my weight the last few weeks while I’ve been helping out with this cosplay, you know what he said to me?

My husband, said to me, his pregnant wife, that I’m pulling more than just my own weight.

Cheeky fucking shit.

Honestly this kid is cruising for a bruising. It’s fine. I’m like an elephant, I won’t forget.

Yeah, yeah. I’m also huge. Ha ha.

But seriously. I will file my nails into sharp little daggers on the way to the hospital just so I can get my revenge.

I’ve had to move my rings to my necklace because my fingers have swollen up. Looking at them, it doesn’t seem like they’ve gotten any bigger but the second I try and put the rings back on, either my fingers have gotten bigger, or my rings have gotten smaller. I think we all know what’s actually happened.

Mazikeen has shown exactly where her loyalties lie. She’s tried to kick Matt off the bed a few times and every morning when he leaves for work, she cuddles with me on the bed. The number of times that Matt has leaned down to kiss me goodbye just to come face to face with a protective rottweiler is a little hilarious.

It’s become well established that I am her human and she is going to claim this baby as her own. Apparently, she’s a very maternal doggo. Like…if there is a litter of puppies nearby that isn’t her own, she will go and steal puppies from that litter and bring them back to her own.

Maternal or puppy napper I’ve yet to decide but it’ll be pretty hard for her to make off with a 9-pound baby without any of us noticing. Granted we don’t know that the little Predator cub is going to be 4kg when he’s born but at my last appointment, they were weighing in at 1.2kg which is roughly 2 pounds 6 ounces and apparently from now to 38 weeks babies can grow up to 3.5 times what they are at 27 weeks. Matt and I agree that there’s no chance I’m getting out of this one with a small baby.

Anyways, apparently Mazikeen does this thing with her little face when one of her puppies is taken from the welping box that very clearly says, “Give it back.” We’ve been warned that she is likely to do this with the baby to people that aren’t Matt and I.

I’m very much looking forward to seeing this face because I genuinely think it will be hilarious. I’m also thinking about teaching her how to pick up the baby. Hear me out first.

Assistance dogs get trained to pick things up, right? Even non assistance dogs learn to pick things up for their humans. I saw a tiktok where someone had accidentally conditioned their dog to pick up whatever it was that they had dropped if they swore when they dropped it. Keys, pen, toy, whatever, and the dog gave it back.

I thought it would be pretty cool to train the dogs to help me bring things in from the car and then I thought…why stop with the groceries?

So, let’s say I got one of those Moses baskets for the baby. Of course, we don’t train her with the baby actually IN the basket but work our way up to a baby doll of some kind. Eventually Maze would learn to pick the basket up by the handles and bring the baby to us. Or maybe it would be safer if she dragged it??

I can hear my mother lecturing me now on why that is not a good idea in the slightest.

We might ix nay the Moses basket but come Christmas time there is still going to be a sleigh and the dogs are going to be reindeer. We might need to photo shop the cats in because Cas barely tolerates being within a meter of the dogs and Athena has a deep displeasure for being put places unless she chooses to be there.

Either way, this kid is going to be insanely protected and resilient. They will also be forced by necessity to have a really good sense of humour and a thick skin.