Stay In School Kids, Or At Least Use Google FFS

I weep for the youth of today. Or humanity in general.

I had to explain to a 17-year-old boy today the difference between a c-section and a hysterectomy. Why, you may ask?

Well let’s go back to how it all started. After having annoyed me for the past two hours in an attempt to get me to let him do what he wanted to do, as though that was actually a tactic that was going to work on me.

I’m the youngest of four kids, I’m a pro at being the most annoying one in the room just so I can get what I want. Also, I did psychology. All of these things mean that that kind of crap doesn’t work on me, especially coming from an annoying 17-year-old with a mullet.

So yes, after all that he asked me if this is my first baby, which I confirmed it was, then he started asking how long Matt and I had been together and if I thought it would last. When I told him that I was quite certain that Matt and I were in it for the long haul he asked how, I was sure. So, I told him.

Matt and I are just as twisted as each other. Sometimes we just have the same dark sense of humour that has our friends looking at us like we’ve lost our damn minds. For example, while he didn’t come up with the idea of me re-enacting the alien birth scene in the event, I have to have a c-section, he does support it.

When I explained that to this boy his was response was thus, “Doesn’t a c-section mean you can’t have any more kids?”

I’m sorry…what? You…what?

I couldn’t.

So, once I clarified that a c-section or coming out the sunroof, is just another way to give birth to a child, often used for emergency situations when the baby is breech or in distress, I then had to explain to him that no, his suggestion of “cutting from the vagina to the asshole” was not better.

Honestly, the fact that he knew what an episiotomy was, not the name for it but the actual procedure but he didn’t know what a c-section was…not even the most shocking part of this conversation and you’ll see why.

I also had to explain that it’s not actually that easy to push a baby out. He’s going on about how babies are soft, and their bones are soft, so they just come out….

Kid…babies aren’t goddamn jelly. Just because their bones can break easily if you’re rough with them or Matt could potentially dislocate our child’s shoulder just by holding his hand as he walks, cos of the whole height difference thing you know, does not mean that they just slide out. He tried using the fact that baby’s heads are soft, and you can push on them as more reason as to why they can just slide out.

By this point I just hope he never has children, for their sake.

It gets better though. We ended up circling back to the c-section thing because I needed him to explain his thought process. He said because they cut the “baby sac” you can’t have any more kids. By this point one of the women from the liquor store attached to the shop has joined in and is as flabbergasted as I am that this is a conversation that’s happening. She also tried to explain how the uterus works with a quick crash course on periods.

After another particularly stupid comment she asked him if he thought all dogs are boys and all cats are girls.

I cackled. His face actually said, “wait…they’re not?”

He insisted that he doesn’t need to know any of this because he’s a man and none of this relates to them, it only relates to the women.

I asked if he ever planned on being a father and he said no because if he saw a mini him who had ruined his wife then he’d kick it.

I had to follow up on his process for this one as well. How could I not?

Apparently, he is of the belief that giving birth vaginally results in the vagina being out of commission for at least a year and ruins it forever…He also said that having kids will ruin his wife’s body. I weep for his future wife.

Look, if a woman doesn’t want to have kids that’s all her. If a guy doesn’t want kids, cool, whatever. But let’s not perpetuate myths about childbirth and the female body.

I tried to explain that generally the recovery time from a normal non traumatic non tearing birth is about 6 weeks. The likely hood that either parent has the energy or the desire to have sex by the time they get the green light is less likely.

I still don’t think he believes me.

In an effort to save everyone from having to deal with any offspring he might produce, I suggested he get a vasectomy. They’re reversible and once he has a long-term partner that he trusts then they can ditch the condoms without worrying about STDs.

He insisted that there was an easier way to deal with a baby, “abortions. They’re free. And I don’t use condoms anyway.”

I had to give myself a moment to just walk away.

By this point you’re asking yourself why I didn’t just walk away for good and save myself the aggravation of dealing an absolute fuckwit.

Because my good reader. I was in too deep. We’d come this far, and I was still holding out some small smidgen of hope that something we said might actually sink into his now thick skull and save some other poor girl the aggravation.

So, the two of us women reconverged and explained that abortions are in fact not free. They might be free for him because he didn’t contribute to the abortion for whatever poor girl he knocked up, but they are not in fact free. His only response was that if he doesn’t have to pay for them then they’re free.

This led to a comment about his misogyny showing through. He denied it but when I asked if he even knew what misogyny meant, he said no.

I explained, and he says, “No, I love women.”

Yeah, so does Charlie Sheen.

Apparently, Charlie Sheen is his idol.

Honestly, this is explaining more and more about him.

Eventually the store close and I was almost free of this inane conversation. Right up until he asked what kind of car Matt drives. When I explained the situation of how Matt had traded in his car so we could get me my new car that was baby suitable and he had taken my small car as a daily, this mullet-headed little shit called Matt a push over and said I must hold his balls in my hand.

No one calls my husband a pushover.

So, I turned and looked this kid dead in the eyes and told him not to talk about my sex life, and I walked away. I’ve never seen him backtrack that fast or look that uncomfortable.

He followed me around for a solid minute trying to explain what he actually and that he was not talking about sex and that I’d misunderstood.

No, no child. No, no. I did not misunderstand. I understood perfectly. I knew exactly what you meant. I however am screwing with you because you have been a pain in my ass all night and then decided to think that you are better than my husband all because you would never give up your car so your wife can get a new one that is more reliable and better suited for the baby you’re having.

There are many days when I come home and see Matt and am eternally grateful that he is the one I’ve decided to build a life with and have kids with. Despite the fact that he was a bit cranky with me when I got home because my getting home had set the dogs off and they’d been whining for the twenty minutes I’d been sitting in the garage talking to my parents on the phone, tonight is one of those times when I’m very grateful.

Not only because he’s not a shallow, self-absorbed and selfish misogynistic dumbass, but because he actually learns and isn’t afraid to ask questions. When I practically begged this kid to go and ask his mother some questions about childbirth and how the female body actually works, or hell, Google, Google is free people, he said he doesn’t need to know any of this stuff.

I don’t think it ever occurred to Matt that what was going on with my body during this pregnancy were none of his concern. When the whole recovery time from birth came up, his response was that that was fine and he doubted we’d even have the energy to want to. Anytime I express concerns about how my body is changing, he reminds me that I’m beautiful and growing a not so tiny human. I’m more worried about how this growing human is changing my body than he is.

So, in summary, Abortions are not free, Google is free, vasectomies would solve a lot of problems, fathers need to know what’s happening to their wife’s body especially during childbirth, my husband is a giant pain in my ass at times but he’s still a better man than so many I have to deal with.