In my whole 25 years of existing there’s something that I’ve discovered something about people.
They very rarely say what they actually mean.
Truly a shocking revelation I know.
I’m guilty of doing it myself. The number of times I’ve told rude customers to “have a nice day” but we all know I’m really telling them to go fuck themselves. Or when women are polite to creepy men because they’re worried that if they’re honest and just say they’re not interested then the man will react badly/violently.
Parents tell their kids that their finger paint art is amazing and put it up on the fridge or the wall with the other dozen pieces of art that look the exact same. This isn’t actually a bad thing, it’s encouraging their creativity and they need that at such a young age. Not a lot of kids will continue to pursue those kinds of passions if they’re shut down constantly.
We lie all the time, big lies, little lies, white lies, half-truths, lying by omission. But this isn’t about that. This is about people not saying what they actually mean because if they asked what they actually wanted to ask or say what they wanted to say they’re worried they would get judged.
Matt and I went to a friend’s place for a get together and there was someone we both went to high school with there. Our friend asked me if I’d had a chance to talk to this person, which I hadn’t, and they told me how this other person had said they were excited to see me.
I was instantly confused because while we hadn’t had a chance to talk and catch up, we had made eye contact and done the obligatory head nod of acknowledgment that you do with people you went to high school with but aren’t really friends but you also didn’t hate them. Well in that head nod I didn’t see any excitement. There was also very little effort on their part to actually come and restart a conversation that had been cut short.
It left me feeling like they were excited not to actually see and talk to me, but that they were excited to see how much weight I’d put on since getting pregnant. I can’t say I’m not used to it by this point. Though I must say that I enjoy the “You’re five months along? You’re so tiny.” comments a lot more. What can I say? When I eventually pop fully those comments will go from “You’re so tiny.” to “You’ve gotten big,” “Not long now,” or the one that made me almost smack a customer when they said it to my work friend, “Are you sure it’s not twins?”
At the same get together Matt and I were asked a question by someone we know…not very well at all. I know them better than he does but only casually.
The question was this, “What do you two do together?”
I missed the original asking of the question because I was getting more food so Matt was left to fend for himself for a few minutes. He had no idea what to say so he just started going on about my work schedule and how screwy it’s been since we moved into the house together.
I’ve talked about it before so I won’t rehash it anymore than this. It’s been atrocious and I’ve changed contracts more times in the past two years that most people do in twenty.
Now, four nights of the week Matt and I don’t see each other until bedtime. It sucks and we both hate it and we’re holding out for my maternity leave to start so we can spend some proper time together.
I think the reason that Matt didn’t know what to say was because the question wasn’t really just “what do you do together?” it was “what special things do you do together?”
They wanted to know if we go to the movies together, go for hikes or explore new places or go to the beach. Do we do date nights?
It almost feels like you’re not allowed to answer the question with something as simple as “We eat dinner together three nights out of 7” or “we send each other funny tiktok videos and memes,” “on my weekends off we look at stuff for the house, hit bunnings at least twice and take the dogs for a walk.” “we sit on the couch and do completely separate things while less than a meter away from each other.”
These are all completely mundane things that we do and they’re never the answer that people are looking for when they ask the question “what do you do together?”
Matt and I have been together for 5 years. We’re married. We know each other very well. Granted he sometimes surprises me by reacting to things better than I expected but we have to keep some mystery between us right?
The first few years we were together we spent so much time going exploring and walking through national parks in the middle of the night and going for drives. Seeing movies together. We ran True Grit. Did a week away in Margaret River for my birthday. We did special things and went on dates whenever we could. That was all really great for the people we were then. Last year we got married, we had originally planned on going on a cruise for our honeymoon, obviously that couldn’t happen. Then we talked about just having a week away.
You know how we spent our week off? We spent it, our honeymoon, eating left over cake, playing video games and watching movies on the couch. We spent time together, enjoying each other’s company and also the peace of being alone but knowing the other person was only in the next room. We talked about taking a baby moon before the Predator Cub arrives but with finances how they are at the moment that’s not going to happen and honestly I’m not mad about it.
When people ask what it is you do together as a couple they want to know for one of two reasons. Either they’re genuinely curious, maybe even looking for ideas on things they could do with t heir significant other or they’re trying to gauge where they are with their partner in relation to your relationship.
Judging by the tone in which this question was asked, they weren’t looking for ideas.
There’s nothing wrong with going on adventures every weekend. There’s nothing wrong with planning trips away or trying new things or going out for date nights. I think though that people and couples can forget how simple yet important it can be to just eat dinner together and be able to enjoy the other person’s company. It is really nice for me to be able to work on my laptop or knit a cushion cover while matt watches his show next to me on the couch.
People forget that simply being able to sit with someone, not talking, not doing anything fancy or adventurous or fancy and being truly content and at peace with life is one of the most amazing feelings. Having that person that you can run simple and mundane errands with.
When Predator is at an age where they can appreciate and enjoy adventures then we’ll go on some again. We’ll create more beautiful and wonderful memories with them. Until then Matt and I are very content with taking the dogs for a walk and reseeding the lawn and cooking together and re-watching videos we’ve sent the other person because watching those videos with them makes it even better.
We are very happy with those being the things we do together. Maybe that makes us a boring couple, but you know what, we keep ourselves entertained. Helps that we’re both hilarious.
S.J Smith Books 