Right, so we all know Matt, right? Well most of you not personally but you know of him through my posts. You also know that he sometimes says some really funny shit. His latest exhaustion induced comment was to compare me to something.
Something that many a gamer will know of, particularly if you’ve played COD zombies. This absolute wombat says to me as we’re drifting off to sleep, “You’re like a pack-a-punch machine.”
Now seeing as I don’t play COD zombies because…well zombies (but I’ll play TLOU don’t come for me), I was a little bit confused and he knew this without me saying anything, so he explained his logic. A pack-a-punch machine, for me and those of you who have no idea what it is, is a machine that you put a bunch of money into and a gun and it takes the gun and upgrades the gun into this amazing gun that helps you fight off the hoard of zombies stumbling or crawling towards you.
There were so many places that he could’ve gone with this. So many different ways he could’ve spun this. The way he spun it was its most simplest of ways. I am the pack-a-punch machine and in 6 months’ time I will be spitting out something that packs a hell of a punch.
I could not stop laughing. It was hilarious. My mind was going to all the other places he could’ve taken this, and it just got better.
Now he’s not wrong in a lot of ways. Childbirth is going to pack one hell of punch, by all accounts of everyone I know who has birthed a small child, by whatever means, it’s not exactly a walk in the park.
Anyone who knows me knows that even I’m slightly concerned about how my kids are going to turn out. For starters I’m an enabler. Following that we all know that I’m a never-ending sass machine. If this kid doesn’t come out the size a damn toddler, it’s definitely going to come out looking at me like I’ve just asked it why the item isn’t free if the barcode won’t scan.
Their first words if they aren’t a Friends quote will be laced in sarcasm.
I just love how Matt’s mind works sometimes, not only is it great content for my blog posts but it’s just genuinely hilarious to witness what he comes up with.
Something else that some gamers might know is that the two best guns you could get from the Mystery Box are a Thunder Gun and Ray Gun. They’re also the rarest guns to get from the box. He went on to say that our kids will be like those guns. Everyone wants them but so few get them.
So, after clarifying his analogy and the terminology here’s what I’ve come to understand.
You get a gun from the Mystery Box (which is Matt), the box gives a random gun. Then you give money and the gun you want upgraded to the pack-a-punch-machine (Me) and the machine spits out an upgraded version of the gun (which is the baby).
You can think about it more in depth if you want…but do so at your own risk.
Just like everything else he says there’s so many ways that that could be taken but I’m going to take it in one of the non-weird ways. Our kids are going to be virtually unattainable to most, which if we have a daughter then Matt is probably going to make sure changes to ‘unattainable to all’. Though if they’re anything like me they’re going to pick the worst person possible for them, ruin their self-esteem, resign themselves to being alone with their cats and books forever before reclaiming that self-esteem, kicking a few more bad choices to the curb and then find their perfect match despite how annoying that person can be.
Or they’ll be like Matt and settle for the first person that meets their height requirements.
While editing this Matt thought it would be a good idea to give me another analogy to help me understand how the machine works and compared it to a microwave. You put cold food into the microwave, and it gives you back hot food.
Why he’s thinking of putting a baby in a microwave I don’t know.
To be fair the whole bun in the oven thing, baby needs to cook for a bit longer, that kind of thing.
And yet I’m the weird and inappropriate one for suggesting we have a baby shaped rotisserie thing at the baby BBQ.
S.J Smith Books 