Intrusive Thoughts

The other week Matt went to his parents for dinner and then drove around dropping off some wedding invites on the way home. Because of my early morning starts at work I was home before he was. I was pretty tired so I just grabbed something quick and easy for dinner and sat on the couch watching Bones.

Now for some reason on the drive home my imagination had gotten very side tracked and started in on one of those “Oh, what would happen if someone broke into your house while Matt wasn’t there?” situations.

I hate these trains of thoughts so damn much. I think they’re actually actually included in the intrusive thoughts category. Let me just look it up real quick.

Intrusive thoughts are thoughts that seem to become stuck in the mind. They can cause distress, as the nature of the thought may be upsetting. They may also reoccur frequently, which can make the concern worse. Intrusive thoughts may be violent or disturbing.

Oh. Would you look at that.

Love that for me.

Wait. Does this mean that my overactive imagination isn’t just me being really darkly creative but is actually a recognised thing and a sign of mental health issues…? Well shit.

I don’t like that at all.

Anyways. Back to the story. So I was just sitting on the couch chilling, watching my show, mentally berating myself for not getting up and doing something productive despite the fact that I was exhausted and needed to go to bed in an hour for work the next morning, when all of a sudden Athena started pawing at the window.

This is not an uncommon thing. She does this a lot in fact. I think she sees tiny bugs outside the window and is trying to get them, either that or she’s trying to fight her own reflection. It’s really nothing to be worried about…in the daytime.

I also know that it’s generally nothing to be worried about in the night-time either because if there was someone outside, then I would hear them.

Or would I?

All these thoughts started to run through my head. Is the TV too loud? Did I leave the laundry door open to air it out after the cat pooped? Would I hear if someone opened the screen door if the TV is too loud? Is the front door unlocked? It couldn’t possibly be unlocked because no one has gone in or out that door in a week. But is it unlocked? Are the windows closed? What if there’s someone walking around the house and they’re watching me because I haven’t put the blinds down?

Logically I know that I live in a safe neighbourhood. Logically I know that I have a green belt in Krav Maga and am more than capable of defending myself if someone were to break into my house. Logically I know that I know how to use any of the knives in my kitchen to defend myself. Logically I know that the reasonable force that I can use to defend myself when fearing for my life is a lot more than what Matt could do. Logically I know that if there were all of a sudden someone in my house the cats would be freaking out and alert as all hell. There is a lot of logic going through my mind.

However, for some reason none of these things were bringing me comfort. Many of these above reasons should give me comfort. They should make me feel secure in my own home.

So why didn’t I?

Because I’m all to aware of all the things that could go wrong. All the things that I as a woman need to be worried about. The number of times I’ve come home from work at 4am and Matt has left the laundry door open. I could be dead asleep and all of a sudden, the thought will come into my head wondering if maybe the laundry door is open. I won’t be able to get back to sleep until I get up and check.

When driving around anywhere, no matter how long or short the trip I make sure my car doors are locked. Matt started to get annoyed when I would lock his car doors when we drove somewhere. He doesn’t lock them in case he gets into a car accident and is knocked unconscious. I wish that was my biggest concern. When I explained to him why I lock the doors his only response was, “Who’s going to try and carjack me?” (quick reminder that he’s 6foot7, so a giant). But to me that’s not really how it works.

It doesn’t matter how big you are or how bad you are or how well you can defend yourself. If someone is determined enough, they will do what they came to do. When we’re at the stop lights and I see people walking near us, I lock the doors. It doesn’t matter if they’re nicely dressed or look like they just got out of bed. It’s a reaction I can’t control. What happens if someone comes up to the car and opens the door and pulls a weapon?

My initial thought was that Matt would actually be dumb enough to try and fight them. This assumption is based on the fact that after being in a head on crash with a drunk driver he declined going in the ambulance to the hospital. After posing this question he said that he would get out of the car and give it to them and call the police after he drives away…forgetting that he’d probably forget his phone in the car.

When I pointed out that that’s the exact reason that I lock my doors he tried to change the topic.

I don’t know if his lack of concern is because he’s a big guy or if it’s because he just doesn’t think about those kinds of consequences. I think it’s a bit of both. Or maybe it’s because his mum in his words overreacts to things so he just…under reacts as some kind of counter?

Okay I asked him and apparently, it’s because everyone in his family isn’t worried about this stuff. Let me reiterate. His mum who stresses out about literally everything under the sun, doesn’t lock the back door during the day when they’re inside. A door that has a lock…but she doesn’t lock it. The only reason our screen doors aren’t locked is because they don’t have locks. The minute the wedding is over, and we have enough money saved for security screens/doors they’re going in.

Also, in his words he believes in the good of humankind. Pfft. For someone who has been the victim of a road rage incident he’s very naïve…or maybe I’m hella jaded. To be fair I think I’m just really jaded. With a cop dad and working in retail since I was 14, I’ve seen and heard of some of the worst sides of people.

As I explained to Matt, not only do I consider all of the consequences of any given situation because I’m a writer and it’s kind of my job but I’m also a woman (a fact he is aware of). When I asked him what he would be worried about if someone were to break into the house his answer was “if they’re bigger or smaller than me,”…because if they’re smaller they’ll automatically rethink their actions. Not quite bud but sure thing you keep thinking that.

He was also able to fully acknowledge that my concerns had more to do with being tortured, raped and killed. I also worry about the cats and if the person will threaten them to make me compliant. I remember mum telling me when I was a kid that if she was home alone she’d fight to the death, but if us kids were home and the person were threatening us then she’d do whatever they wanted to keep us safe. These cats are my kids.

Mum has told me that she doesn’t worry when dad is at work and she’s home alone. She’s aware of her abilities and I pity any silly bastard that tries to break into that home and hopes to walk out. They’ll be needing a stretcher and testicle replacement surgery first.

To sum it up. Intrusive thoughts are a bitch. I don’t know how to control them; I don’t know how to make them go away. I’d really like to be able to drive over a bridge and NOT wonder what would happen if I were to drive into the railing. Seriously. What in the actual hell is that about?

The only thing I am sure of is that intrusive thoughts are just that, intrusive and thoughts. They’re not something that I want to happen. If they start to get worse and interfere with my day to day life or become over whelming, then I need to talk to someone. Until that time though I will continue to lock doors and put the garage door down on autopilot and forget that I did it five minutes down the road. Matt is used to getting a phone call from me when I’m on my way to work and can’t remember if I’ve put the door down. I always have.

The one thing that I don’t give in to is driving back home when I’m halfway to work. In the back of my mind I know that I’ve locked everything that needs to lock and put down the garage door. I also know that by the time I’ve clocked in at work I’ll have forgotten all about my garage door worries.

God help me when I have kids. I can only hope I adopt some level of chill.

While looking for some memes on intrusive thoughts, because this is a show and tell situation, I came across the above which has reminded me of one very frequent intrusive thought.

There is a bridge that I have to drive across on my way home from work. I drive across this bridge very very frequently. 8 time out of 10 as I am driving across this bridge I am struck by the very sudden and very disturbing thought, “What would happen if you drove into the railing?” which is then followed up with “Do you think you’d die? Do you think you’d have time to get out of the car before it went under water?”

When I told my parents about these thoughts, prefacing the conversation with them being intrusive thoughts, they both looked at me like I’d lost my damn mind. Pretty sure dad thought they might need to have me committed before I hurt myself. I had to reassure them that I was in fact not suicidal and these were thoughts that made me wildly uncomfortable.

Just for my own dark amusment here is another meme.

So you know, if you find yourself having these random thoughts about driving yourself off bridges or people coming into your house and possibly killing you…I don’t really know what to tell you.

You’re not alone? You’re not crazy?

Look if the thoughts really bother you then maybe go and see someone who can help you deal with these things, if you’re only slightly disturbed but more or less unbothered by such thoughts then come, join my support group. There’s nothing official but we swap intrusive thoughts and drink a lot of caffeine. And in the mornings we talk about the really weird dreams that we had the night before.