“It’s hard to make living.”
“It’s not easy writing a book.”
“You’re better off going back to uni.”
These are just some of the things I heard when I chose to tell people about my desire to become an author. It was always from people I’d known for a long time, because those were the only people I felt comfortable telling.
I very quickly stopped telling people about my aspirations.
When I finished writing Mafia Princess a year ago I wrote a letter of sorts to the people who had done nothing but put me down. Maybe they had said what they did with good intentions. Maybe they were just trying to make me aware of the struggles of life. Maybe they were just being a dick.
I am very aware that it’s hard to make a living out of being an author. My mum would tell me about how her favourite authors would write their books around their day jobs. One of them was or still is a pilot.
She did this to encourage me to do what I love while still making enough money to live, which I appreciated. Mum worked very hard to keep me grounded but with my head up. Whenever I started to doubt myself and my abilities she would remind me that I would face rejection after rejection but it only takes one acceptance. Most of the great authors have been rejected at least once. We all know the story with J.K. Rowling.
There’s something about having the first words out of someone’s mouth be “it’s hard to make a living” or “it’s not easy to write a book” when I tell them that I want to be an author that makes my inner sarcasm rise up. I try and shove it down as best I can because yelling “No shit, Sherlock,” in their face might be seen as a bit abrupt.
I’m more than aware that writing a book it hard work. It’s insane. I have white boards, two notebooks, a create your own family tree website bookmarked AND I learnt some Italian. I didn’t just google translate phrases. No no good sir/madam. I actually spent months learning Italian. I researched the mafia, I grilled my dad on police procedures, I watched movies and read books and autobiographies. I even researched stuff that if I wasn’t being monitored by the government before for questionable searches I sure as shit am now.
Do you know how to effectively dispose of a body and throw off cadaver dogs? Because I do.
I once saw a tumblr thread pop up on my Facebook feed and I don’t think I’ve related to anything more as a writer than I did that post. The OP was commenting on how in depth writers go with their research. To the point that when writing a medieval fiction novel they researched the food that was eaten and how much everything cost. There were facts they discovered that they would never ever use but that needed to know it all.
As writers I feel like its a universal thing where we want our stories to be as accurate as possible but when we read someone else’s book we’re more than happy to accept small inaccuracies.
Except sparkly twinkling vampires. My thirteen year old heart broke for Bella Swan it did. And I can accept that Stephanie Meyer came up with a way to get around the whole “vampire turns to dust in sunlight thing”. I cannot however accept the stupid sounds that came whenever Edward Cullen stepped into the sunlight. Couldn’t just let him shine bright like a diamond could they? Nooooooo. They had to add an audio to that visual.
Yes yes I know. Don’t judge a book by it’s movie. But I can’t un-hear the twinkling.
I digress.
When I decided at six years old that I wanted to be an author, I wasn’t thinking about being rich or having a big house with rooms I never go into. I was thinking about doing something that I love and sharing it with people. Well not so much that last part. I was totally down with the writing part. Sharing not so much.
Another part of being an author that’s not easy is the actual rejection part. When I thought my book was ready to be sent out I sent it to over a dozen publishing houses. I had to research three times that just to narrow the list down to the ones who published my kind of book. The months of waiting and hoping and waiting starts to weigh down on you.
I tried to distract myself, but eventually that first rejection email came. It was polite enough but it hurt. I was disappointed but I remembered what my mum used to say so I had patience. Eventually though I got fed up of waiting. It was while I was being fed up that I watched a movie (one that I can’t remember the name of now) where the main character points out that you shouldn’t wait for someone else to do something you can do for yourself.
I was waiting for someone to tell me that my book was good enough to publish but I already knew it was. So then began the journey to self-publishing. I spent a lot of nights researching how to self-publish, self-promote, self-everything. I came up with strategies and plans and timelines. Nothing about this has been easy. It probably would’ve been easier for me to give up altogether.
Of those three things that were constantly said to me the one that I hated the most was, “You should go back to uni.” Should I though???
Let me share something with you all now. I met some great people at uni. One of whom is still a very dear friend (Love you Khiara!!). I went into it with goals and a keen interest in the degree that I was studying. But as time went on I found that it wasn’t what I wanted to do long term.
I love the subject of psychology. I love knowing why people do the things they do and why we are the way we are. I also appreciate all the tips and tricks I picked up on how to train kids AND adults. It’s cool, Matt knows he’s been trained and he’s such a good boy.
However in my final year of uni it became very clear to both Matt and myself that my heart wasn’t in it. I did the work because I had to but the thought of becoming a psychologist and dealing with people all the time…shit.
You see the longer I worked in retail the less patience I had for people. I worked in the service department for 9 years. I’ve adamantly refused to go back now that I’ve moved departments. There are only so many inane, entitled, idiot questions a person can hear from fully grown adults before wanting to stab someone. When I lived with my parents they knew to set aside a good half hour to an hour when I got home for me to vent about the day. The days I came home and had nothing to rant and rave about they about fell over in shock.
My advice to anyone who is thinking about being a psychologist/therapist/anyone who wants to help people, get out of retail. Get. Out.
I’m not saying that my job is the sole reason that I dropped out. There were more reasons than I care to list. But the feeling of relief when I did stop. It was incredible. I knew that for me, that was one of the best decisions I could ever make for myself. A few months after I quit I asked Matt if I should go back to uni and he almost yelled at me. Not in a mean or abusive way.
No he knew how stressed it made me and how miserable I was. Even a few weeks ago it was suggested to me by a co-worker that I finish my degree and go into HR for the company I work at. Very minimal face to face interaction with people. I politely danced around the subject but mentioned it to Matt when I got home that night. His reaction was more subdued this time but the answer was the same. A very firm no.
We’ve both finally found a direction in our lives that makes us both happy. We’re achieving our goals one step at a time and we don’t plan on putting up roadblocks of our own design.
Now before anyone says anything. University is important. If your dream job requires a university degree then it’s very essential that you go. If you want to go then go. But don’t go to make other people happy. Don’t go because you think that you have to or that that is what’s expected of you. You’ll be miserable and only resent everything about it until you graduate.
I enjoy learning new things. I enjoy taking notes and using different coloured pens and fonts for different things. For me though, the only deadlines I plan on having from now on are the ones I set for myself.
It’s one thing to have a good idea and write it down. It’s a whole other thing to create a story that pulls you in and refuses to let go. I can only hope that that’s what I’ve done. I hope that the characters I’ve created fill my readers with all kinds of emotions. I hope that the events in my books make readers happy and sad and angry because those things are happening to characters they care about.
As for the letter that I wrote a year ago. I had planned on posting it online…sort of like this I guess…when my book came out. It was essentially a middle finger to everyone who has doubted my ability or tried to make me feel like my dreams weren’t worth pursuing. It’s still sitting in a folder on my computer, waiting for me to need it. I wrote it after being hit with the trifecta. I finished my book and with that interaction still replaying in my mind I wrote the letter.
Now though I think it was more therapeutic than anything else. I understand people having doubts about another person’s abilities. But please, unless they actually ask for your honest opinion about their dreams and aspirations if you have anything negative to say just leave it. Try to feign enthusiasm, convincingly if you can mange it and then move on without being an ass about it.
I at least have a good support in my family and close friends, but the things that other people have said are still there in the back of my mind. Not everyone does has a good support network.
So please.
Don’t be a dick 🙂
S.J Smith Books 